Jul 032013

I walk to the door on the verge of tears. I’m overwhelmed with dread, fear, and regret. I put my key in the door and for a moment I can’t find the strength to turn it. I have to put my head against the door to keep myself from losing it. Tears silently streaming down my face; I turn the key. As I cross the threshold, I’m struck with how alien my home looks and feels to me. I’ve spent the past two years feeling trapped in this house. Now it feels like my time here, was years past and not the three days it has really been. I am here for a reason. I’m here to wash the sheets where it all happened. I half crawl up the stairs to the bedroom, the whole time whimpering and muttering regrets. I pull the sheets quickly; I have to keep moving. When I get downstairs, I feel a surge of loss. I’m dropped to my knees and all I can do is bawl into the sheets. I begin wailing, “what have I done to my family?”, “it’s over”. I feel like my bones are made of lead. I can’t find the strength to continue. Then I hear him. “You need to keep moving, T. Don’t stop now.” I look up and there he is. The one who visited me in my dark place. The one who is standing by me in my darkest hour. My father.

*This happened eight months ago. I know it’s not the most upbeat thing you’ve ever read, but when I saw that the prompt for this week was tears, this was what stood out in my mind.

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  7 Responses to “Dark Place”

  1. So… real. Thank you for sharing. I know it took a lot to expose this part of yourself, and I am so proud of you Tiana!

  2. So sad, no wonder you thought it with tears

  3. Ow… there is some pain that time and tears cannot melt.

    ~Kazi xxx

    • You’d be surprised how sobriety can change things, though. Since this happened, I’ve been sober. My marriage is better than it ever was before all this happened and our son is happy to have his mommy back. This pain is what it took for me to get sober. It was my bottom.

  4. Thank you for sharing such a deep intimate thing about yourself! Welcome to Wicked Wednesday 🙂

    Rebel xox

  5. Amazing power in this, deep, dark and beautiful in its own way. Thank you for sharing this moment

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